I thought I've experienced everything. I thought there will be no first time anymore. Yet, this is my first time feeling utter regrets.

Of course I've experienced regrets - I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't do it like this. But this kind of regret is different. It haunts me. It followed me everywhere. It affects every aspects of my life.

I should've taken the road less traveled.

Gone with the flow. Too scared to take risks. Afraid of judgement. Can't take failure.

Don't want to make my parents sad.

I chose this carefully, as I'm very indecisive. Was I too naive? I thought I was overthinking, but is there something that I overlook?

Now I'm here. I actually don't know how I feel. When I'm there, maybe because my mind is too occupied with adapting, I feel alright. But when I'm not there, I don't feel that way. I always think something's not right. What is it? What is it? For this past month I've been thinking. Lately, I felt something.

Is this really what I want? Is this how I want people to perceive me? Is this who I am?

I always felt people misunderstand me. I proved it earlier. And I know how they perceive me, and I don't think I can live up to their expectations. If that's really how they perceive me, I would never be able to fulfill their idea of a successful me.

I don't really mind being 'unsuccessful' in their eyes though. But I can't bear living a life with me perceiving myself as 'unsuccessful'.

Labels: thoughts