Hiatus day 1. It is kind of weird that we need to take some time off. But it is also right to cool down our head and think clearly. Although these days I don't get many good night or good morning texts like in the beginning, but just the thought of not being able to is driving me crazy. Part of this is my idea, but I want to punch myself for it. This is frustrating. It is not even 24 hours. It is just 12 hours and I spend most of it asleep. I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up this morning crying. This time off is supposed to give some space and time for ourselves, right? But how am I supposed to do that if you keep entering my thoughts.

What we were fighting about is unnecessary. It sounded important. But the more I think about it just reflects how childish I am. I am like a little girl who wants a teddy bear and can't get enough and want to buy more. This should not even be a problem. This is a problem because I googled about it, reading about others' thoughts (which is mainly from a western point of view). It is not supposed to be like that were I came from. I am a slave to Hollywood's perspective. Trying to lose weight, want 'it', etc. I get the feelings that it is not right sometimes. And it is right.

My parents just walked into my room and say your name. Fuck. It hurts.

I realized, and this time really realized, that I was wrong and we can fix this. I am the source of the problem, not you. I keep nagging you because I can't help myself and blame you for it. I keep thinking that I should be independent and not too reliant on you but I am. How to solve it is not by making things worse with you, but by being independent like I wanted me to. I need to solve this myself. I hope you still have faith in me.

Because I am not able to say it to you directly, I'll just say it here:
 Good morning.
What are you doing?
Where are you?
Good night.
I love you.

Let's see how tomorrow will be.

Labels: thoughts