Hiatus day 1. It is kind of weird that we need to take some time off. But it is also right to cool down our head and think clearly. Although these days I don't get many good night or good morning texts like in the beginning, but just the thought of not being able to is driving me crazy. Part of this is my idea, but I want to punch myself for it. This is frustrating. It is not even 24 hours. It is just 12 hours and I spend most of it asleep. I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up this morning crying. This time off is supposed to give some space and time for ourselves, right? But how am I supposed to do that if you keep entering my thoughts.

What we were fighting about is unnecessary. It sounded important. But the more I think about it just reflects how childish I am. I am like a little girl who wants a teddy bear and can't get enough and want to buy more. This should not even be a problem. This is a problem because I googled about it, reading about others' thoughts (which is mainly from a western point of view). It is not supposed to be like that were I came from. I am a slave to Hollywood's perspective. Trying to lose weight, want 'it', etc. I get the feelings that it is not right sometimes. And it is right.

My parents just walked into my room and say your name. Fuck. It hurts.

I realized, and this time really realized, that I was wrong and we can fix this. I am the source of the problem, not you. I keep nagging you because I can't help myself and blame you for it. I keep thinking that I should be independent and not too reliant on you but I am. How to solve it is not by making things worse with you, but by being independent like I wanted me to. I need to solve this myself. I hope you still have faith in me.

Because I am not able to say it to you directly, I'll just say it here:
 Good morning.
What are you doing?
Where are you?
Good night.
I love you.

Let's see how tomorrow will be.

Labels: thoughts

Merging two minds, not alike, into one, functional relationship is not as easy as merging two cells in Microsoft Excel. Turns out, it took massive effort, countless forgiveness, uncountable giving in, even you could lose yourself in the process. I am beginning to wonder if I am losing myself, or lost myself already. Tame Impala - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards is playing in the background. Sounds about just right. We constantly fight because of this thing and overthinking it. We already go through this over and over but why? Every time? Is it me, is it you, or is it us? Are working, together?

I heard that relationship is supposed to bring out the best in each other and I do not know if I become better or worse. I feel better because I learned tolerance, patience, giving in, etc. I feel worse because we still have our differences and cannot come up with a solution. You said things like 'I don't know' 'Don't think about it' yes, maybe I am overthinking. But when you said you don't know, I also don't know if this is working.

Now I really don't know. I hope I was right, that I overthink this. After all, he is the only one who could make it until now.

I pray for a better us.

Labels: thoughts

This world is fucking sick.
Everybody blame each other for their own sick thoughts. Their ego has replaced their sanity.
Nothing is right, something is always wrong. Always.
Eyes and ears closed shut. Mouth opens wide.
They deny everything they think, if they can think, is wrong.
Some people claiming it's right.
Some people just don't care.
Even animals are better than humans nowadays.
Why are they so stupid? Can't they think, really think with their brain, which has been given to them, each one with the same capacity? Or were some people born idiot (not the disabled one)? Or is it their purpose, their destiny in the world, to be an asshole, to spread stupidity in the world?
And what for?
You didn't matter anyway. The earth will still rotates if you keep your opinions to yourself. Or if you die.
The people who you think are important - or you are important to them - will still be alive and live their life.
You are nothing but a burden. Your existence didn't matter. The world can find its way to replace you.

Humans are disgusting.
So am I. 

Labels: thoughts